Tom Fools

Silly Little Poem I wrote at Work
Tomfools
(helps if it is sung to the tune of Little Big Town's Pontoon)
Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0O0nzkESTI
Instrumental: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4ZTRjzr5N0
Today I had an int'resting morning
Neighbor woke me up before 9
Love note left upon his car
Check yo' other bitches, ain't mine.
Take my damn computer why don't you?
No matter that I'm using it too.
While you're here take all my shit.
I'm sure you'll ask for it anyway.
CHORUS:
Oh, the tomfools
Complacent twits who spend their lives not doing shit
Take a hit of weed, don't act like you don't want to
5 days I spend working
while you spend it slothing
doing nothing....
Man named Edgar texted and called me
I told his ass, "Go buy a damn clue!"
I found out where your boots have been
So save your story for someone new....
CHORUS
Coworker back.from Hollywood
Tried to put me on blast, I wish you would.
Better stay away for your own good.

Over Him

I wrote this poem in college to get over a guy.  That guy in the comic below (guy even looked like him)

Fribble Frabble
Watching your friend's soul whisk away in the
night wind.  Did he have one to begin with?
No, mommy wouldn't let him
Loveless creature.
How I pity you.
          Can't learn to love yourself
                   So how could you love me
                                                            or her?

She was your meant to be
soulmate striving for the night
How could I be so blind as I was?
          You think yourself Devil's child
                  Well, wrong again.
                           I think I'll take over now

As mine patience flickers freely falling from
God or the clouds
to satisfy the Atheist's undying palate.
Even they have souls
                                           So WHAT if I cleaned your kitchen?
                              Selfish ass can't think anywhere but
              egocentrically.

Dibble Dabble
Come here weeping willow
      For why do you cry?
Here is nature's neverending beauty
and through your wet winks you
                                                cannot see
                Oh, Pity.
A young in love couple
They came to TRASH
the trees with
Mishy                                 Mushy                                 OOZES 
of Eskimo kisses.

How I long to relieve this
nauseated stomach.

Bibble Babble
Guess they can't really see
I, always meant to be
A wandering gypsy
Forever free
of the constraining desires of a man
or woman for that matter
Pitter Patter
of little feet on the ground
will never know of a man
that didn't love,
                       couldn't love,
                                            wouldn't love,
                                                                  So he left.

An old woman
Looking back on her life wiht no regrets
Except for the men that hurt her
Those few men left her
not able to love
ANOTHER
Should I become that old woman?
Maybe someday,

                                                          My soul will decide.

Attempt at children's story

So, I've been trying to write this childrens story all day. Trying to formulate it in my head, but its kinda hard when you have a million and one distractions.  I try to keep a positive spin on distractions, as they can add to the story to some extent.  In this case, going to the boardwalk provided some inspiration. 

The Town that Fun Built

Today is a big day for Nicholas.  He is 10 years old, and his family is taking their first trip to the Jersey shore.  They live in Brooklyn, and usually spend their free time in Coney Island.  However, his uncle recently bought a car (quite a luxery in Brooklyn for 1963) and wanted to explore.  His family heard of a shore town that had a gigantic boardwalk for all the tourists and gorgeous, pristine beaches.  Nicholas didn't really want to go to yet another boardwalk, with the crowds and children running wildly about, but he didn’t have a choice in the matter. 

You see, Nicholas was a peculiar child.  Instead of hanging out all day like the neighborhood kids, Nicholas preferred reading quietly in his room.  Places with too many sounds, lights, and smells bothered him to the point of exhaustion.  The first time he was in Coney Island, he found the nearest dark corner and hid for most of the day.  His parents socialized him as best as they could, but generally accepted him as he was.  But in Russia, all of the schoolmasters wanted to send him away to an institution like the other "weird" and "special" kids.  Nicholas's uncle Ivan advised his sister Sveta to move to the US to avoid this.  Now, Nicholas and his parents live next to his uncle's family in Sheepshead Bay.

At the crack of dawn, the family loaded up in the big station wagon and headed out of Brooklyn.  Along with Nicholas's mom, Sveta, came his Uncle Ivan and Aunt Katya, and his cousins Ivan Junior and Yuri.  The children sat in the cab while the parents happily chatted away up front.  While Yuri and Ivan played amongst themselves, Nicholas watched the scenery from the back window.  Pretty soon the car entered New Jersey; after the Raritan River Bridge, the highway was lined with nothing but green trees and farms.  This was the family's first jaunt out of Brooklyn, and Nicholas wasn't quite used to this much greenery.  But the vast amount of trees and fields mesmerized him.  He was having fun counting the farm animals and studying the vast amount of green trees. 

Finally, after driving an hour through this seemingly infinite wilderness of green trees and farmland, the family reached a shore town called Seaside Heights.  The family drove through the store laden streets and left the big station wagon in the maze of city parking.  Once on the boardwalk, the family was astonished by the sheer length of the beach. Nicholas was more impressed with the drive; to him, entering NJ felt like this brave new world, where people can spread out as much as they like.  He'd heard that people here had homes with almost a hectare of land! Land was such a commodity in Brooklyn, and whatever free space that was available had to be shared with the neighborhood kids.  

The boardwalk seemed much larger than the boardwalk of Coney Island, and there was a greater selection of food and games.  Zeppolis, ice cream and burgers, plus scores of stands lined with bottles waiting to be knocked down and balloons to be popped.  Plus, this place had giant roller coasters on Casino Pier, as well as Lucky Leo's, which contained the largest game stands and biggest prizes.  The family decided to spend the day near Lucky Leos.  When Nicholas first walked on the boardwalk, he was overwhelmed by the cacophony of stand workers pitching their games to the crowds of rowdy tourists.  Just as in Coney Island, Nicholas found an obscure segway, and tried to hide.  What he didn't realize was that this segway's wood was not particularly sturdy.  When Nicholas sat on it, the wood broke, causing Leo to fall under the boardwalk onto the hard sand.  

Nicholas was initially scared, since he was never under the boardwalk at Coney Island.  But he liked that he was secluded from the noise by the boardwalk.  He was able to watch people cheer for their families away from the noise and the loud people.  Suddenly, he was feeling curious; he wanted to know where the boardwalk ended.  Nicholas walked underneath the boardwalk, past a few teenagers secretly sharing a cigarette, until he reached the place where the stores met the sand.  Looking out from the boardwalk's end, Nicholas saw the waves of water crashing, and was feeling adventurous.  He wanted to know what true unabashed nature felt like.

So he stepped onto the sand, walked towards the water and opened up all of his senses to this magical place. He could taste the breezy salt air as he walked towards the ocean.  The sun beat down on the seemingly endless beach as the sand was initially hot to the touch.  It then changed texture from dry and fine to wet and coarse; finally, the sand was so watery it couldn't hold the shape of Nicholas's footsteps.  Since this was the beach, Nicholas figured, it only seemed right to take a dip into the ocean.  So, he took off his shirt and shoes, and dove into the sea.  

He was initially amazed at the strong current, so he made sure to keep where he could stand in the ocean.  But once he had gained his bearings, he was in love with the feeling of the tide's ebbs and flows.  This current seemed to carry him towards the crowds again, so he walked further south, his feet squishing the sand and rocks between his toes.  He could see the crowds of surfers dancing on the water while a fishing yacht went to sea.  He did not mind seeing all of the sunbathers frolicking in the surf as long as the view was from afar.

As he was floating along, he could see a lifeguard swimming out towards him. Nicholas did not realize how far he had floated in the ocean, getting dangerously close to a buoy.  One of the lifeguards swam up to him, placed him flat on his board and gave a "thumbs up" signal to the other lifeguard on the beach.  Then he swam back with Nicholas in tow.  Once back on land, the lifeguard then asked Nicholas if he was ok, to which he gently nodded. 

Nicholas started to walk towards the boardwalk when suddenly, he could see a tall blond lady checking all of the alleyways of the boardwalk.  Sure enough, Nicholas's mother was looking for him.  He walked up onto the boardwalk to reassure his mother he was safe.  When he mother saw him, she shouted, "Nicholai!" and hugged her son.  Almost immediately, she started pegging Nicholas was questions.  "Where were you?" She then switched to Russian "And where is your book?  And where are your shoes and shirt?"  While these were fair questions, Nicholas did not have an immediate response.  His uncle chimed in with, "Your mother was worried about you!  Next time, stay close by!"  He then ordered Yuri and Ivan to retrieve Nicholas's belongings at the end of the boardwalk. 

Thankfully, the sun was shining in full force, and Nicholas was dry in less than an hour.  His clothing was still full of sand, and he had to go with his uncle to the bathroom to shake off the sand.  When Nicholas was done, he met his uncle at the bathroom sink.  His uncle continued sternly, in a thick Russian accent, "Your mother was very concerned for you today.  That was wrong of you to walk off like that."  As they were walking out of the bathroom, his uncle said, "I have one question for you."  Nicholas turned around, and his uncle was smiling.  He asked, "Was the ocean fun?"

Nicholas beamed with pure joy.  Uncle Ivan has not seen him this happy since Nicholas left Russia.  He rubbed Nicholas's head and replied, "My boy!"  This was surely a day that Nicholas would never forget.

The words:

 adventurous  astonished anxious blowing breezy gorgeous infinite maze mesmerize rowdy secluded sheer sun surf swim watery wet wind yacht 

Rose

So, up until now, I've been focused on Dean, since he will be the main love interest.  And of course, it is fun.  But I.also wanted to do some character development for Rose.  I don't know how much of me, of my.personality, she will possess.  Back when I was in my 20's, I was also a totally different person.  This was still before I discovered my Aspieness.  I was also going through a horrible depression due to teaching not working out. 
Hrm.  Rose.  Rosemary Nan Helgenberger.  She was born in 1993 in Beth Israel hospital to Margery and Stephen Helgenberger.  She spent her childhood in Dix Hills, LI surrounded by other well to do people.  She was an only child at first.  When she was 10, her mother left home.  This left a hole in Rose's heart, as she was unable to find her mother through any websites.  Her father was also devastated, but married shortly after her mom left.

Introduction to Dean and Rose

My friend told me with all of the recent writing energy that I have, I should work on writing a novel.  Well, that's a little daunting.  Yeah, I can write a poem or two but even those took me hours to write.  The novel would take weeks, months maybe.  Not that this is a bad thing....not that I should not try.  But there was a reason I stayed as a call center agent.  I was trying to keep my workload a little less stressfull.  But maybe I should go for that analyst gig.  I am good at overanalyzing, and less stress over things.  Although, I would wonder what would get me laid off first.


Anyway.....if I was to write a novel, it would probably be some sort of road trip novel.  Two young adults.  Falling in love.  Staying in cheap motels along the way.  Meeting very interesting people (my friend Spawn would make a GREAT side character).  Of course, I already have many life experience points in this arena.  And naturally, the man would encompass all of the main points of my exes.  The good, the bad, and the downright dirty shame.

If I had to pick a main character....it would probably be a man who looked like Bruno Mars, but much taller.   Like, 6 foot. (Because, well, most of my exes were tall and of color).  The other thing that draws me to Bruno Mars is that, well, he doesn't look "tough".  I didn't want a "tough" looking male main character.  I mean, he could probably hold his own, and seem formidible if necessary, but I wanted the main male character to be someone that seemed, well, approachable.   Oh, and the guy looks freaking handsome in a suit.  (Sure the song "Gorilla" had something to do with it.  And no, I don't feel bad about making a relationship work completely due to sex.  Lots of Hollywood, and Spanish foreign films, have tons of romances completely based of hot sex.)

I can't say I am totally infatuated with Bruno Mars himself.  Sorry.  He's too....pretty?  I think he's gonna come out one day, as gay.  But as a main character, for a novella or romance? I can see him being totally likeable to the audience.


The dapper Bruno: 
   <-- The Brooding Bruno

Weird thing about the internet.  You don't know someone but you can see their entire family online, through videos.  In a way, this is totally cool.  I know I live in NJ.  I know that the rest of the world looks at us like "NYC's garbage dump"  (that's Staten Island).  Weird to hear his mother say, "I will remember this for the rest of my life."  And her life just ended earlier this year.  Bruno's mom going back to the Phillipines to see him in concert (wow, she just died too.  Embolism.)  See him perform with his dad.  See a LOT of Hawaii, and not through freaking tourist pictures.  Just actual video from people who LIVE there.  Trying to get a feel for the man.  And the Hawaii lifestyle in general.  That laid back attitude will be a key component for this main guy character.  While it can be very trying at times for the female lead's, this same laid back attitude will also keep her grounded, and keep her sane.  It will also bring a new perspective (for example, is it REALLY that important to buy that??)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T04b1YNvs6o

OK, for some characteristics.  He probably seems like a bit of a player at first.  In reality, he is a nice guy whose heart belongs to the one woman he thought he could never have (this would be the female lead's character, based on me).  Very passionate about life, but not about work.  He kinda has to be pushed for that.  Unsure if I will have him like music....but it would be a good reason for going cross country.  From NJ to California.  So he can get discovered on Hollywood Blvd as a musician.  I'll think about it.  Even tho IRL, the man can play every instrument, for his character I'll just have guitar and possibly harmonica

I wasn originally going to say that the female would look like Kristen Stewart (she plays an "everywoman's" character well) but....she could also look like ...a toss between Nikki Blonski and a young Ricki Lake.  The idea is that she is a little big, and this is a major issue for her.  But she is  a otherwise successfull student who feels that she failed miserably at life because she couldn't fulfill her dream. (Yes, sound familiar.  My dream was just kinda low.)

Nicki Blonski:


: 

I realize now that at the time, I didn't write much about the Rose character, since well, she is based on my own personal experiences.  This character will evolve, as during the journey, she learns to come out of her shell.

Assorted Notes on Dean and Rose

So....I finally came up with the name for my male character.  Dean.  Strong name.  Taken from the 50's.  And since the bulk of the story may end up taking place in the late 70's / early '80's....(I toyed with the idea of this strong being a fiction story about what my true parents may have been like), Dean seemed to fit.  I was also thinking of making Dean's mother one of the bigger characters in the story.  She can be played by Rosie Perez.  Would make sense.  She would be the parent whose life was "messed up" by Dean, because naturally, in the early '60's teenage mothers were hidden away from the world.  She has spent half of her life chasing after loser men (one who badly abused Dean) and the other half, high on drugs.  Dean's Puerto Rican grandparents took care of him until they died; then he went to live full time with his mom when he was a teenager.  He didn't get much exposure to the African American side of his family.


. I had a new chapter forming in the story of.Dean and Rose. I was picturing Rose, crying on what looked like a cot. Could very well be a motel bed; the place was sure dirty. Dean was yelling at her; after a while, she learned to make him silent in her head since all of his yells sounded the same. Numbness. Hopeless. Rock bottom. How did she end up like this? Then Dean asks her, "Now I need to know...do u love me?". She doesn't respond. Dean asks a second time, only he grabs her tightly on the arms and shakes her, "I need to know NOW!! do u love me??". She starts to cry, and responds through wimpers of pain, "of course baby. I love you with all of my heart and soul.". Then Dean looks into her eyes, as.if he was peering into her soul, and says, "Then you need to trust me. I won't let anyone hurt you. But you.need to give a little more. Please baby...do this, do this for us.". Dean kisses her.on the forehead and leaves. Almost instantly, she gets a knock on the door. It's a middle aged bald white man. He looks nervous..rose welcomes him in. She asks him for his pleasure today before she throws up a little on her mouth. She is wearing a.black dress with a scarf. And the rest becomes a blur.....

Great line for Dean: "And of course babe will both drive world into madness.  A mad king and queen."

Of course the Madman in my life had to say that line.

"Love you my wicked queen"

Well, what better to do with my time than write up some Dean and Rose stories?  I am going over my old journal for any notable stories.  Like, the walk we took from near Lawnside to Philly, riverside area.  Yeah, we spent a LOT of time in Philly being homeless.  Sleeping in Liberty Bell park (yup, near the Liberty Bell).  Having sex near an overpass at 295.  Spending time with his friend Randy, the redneck.  He was paid $1 million for a lawsuit settlement (he got hit by a train when he was a kid) and not only spent it all but was almost $100,000 grand in debt.  I mean, I can see it.  One can get carried away by that kinda $$.  He also had two men living with him.  Yes, they were gay lovers but the notable thing was that he was also a drunk and the "head" of the household.  I didn't question it.  This was also the first time I had ever watched a gay porno - it was out of curiosity since I always knew a lot of men get off on lesbian flicks, but did it work in a reverse?  (The short answer - NOOO!!!!  Now granted, it was badly acted with two men who were obviously NOT attracted to each other.)  If I remember correctly, Randy was a driver for a tow truck company and tried doing OTR truck work but it was too hard on him.  His friends did work at the movies (hence the lifesize posters of Austin Powers in our bedroom) but then worked on a website where they got "paid" for referring people to modeling agencies.  (My ex and I figured it was a scam, since they never ended up getting paid.)  They had cats - which destroyed my air mattress really quickly.  We got kicked out of that house a week and a half - actually I could have stayed but not my boyfriend.

Wow, I was so thick headed as this happened to me a LOT.  The whole dichotomy where they liked me and hated him.  The only people who really liked him were the other party goers (this was a theme in my life, as I had to get over the fact that I am NOT a boring person at parties, and therefore don't need scumbag boyfriends to liven up the party.)  Well, I guess live and learn.  Now back to Dean and Rose.

Truthfully, the vast majority of the story will take place in a seedy  motel.  In real life, I stayed 6 weeks at a motel in Williamstown.  $150 a week.  I of course paid for it.  Like an idiot.  I can't remember the name offhand, but "The Circle Motel" in Williamstown isn't pulling anything up.  It was probably bought up anyway - for now, I will focus on the "Mayfair" and the "Star" motel in Williamstown.  From the reviews I am seeing, these were straight roach motels - dirty, dingy, unkempt.  Perfect!!  At this place, we even had a pastor come and pick people up from the motel for work.  Flooring, rebuilding, hard labor (mostly men went to work for him).  He paid them a decent wage and all they had to do is listen to a 10 minute sermon at the end of their shift.  He still refused to go - listening to the pastor was too much for him (he's homeless and still there is work that is "beneath him").  I remember the place well - it was disgusting.  I swear they had their own breed of bugs living there.  The room two doors down from us was so roach infested, even their radio cassette player (we're talking 2001, ok?  No IPOD's were around especially for homeless people) had roaches coming out of it.  All the people that were there had this weird uneasy camradere.  I can go on for hours about this place.  I even saw my first live birth when one of the people in the motel was set to give birth - we all drove to the hospital 45 minutes away.  I ran every red light with no cars, because I COULD (hey, woman in labor in the car).  Good thing they didn't have those stupid cameras back then.

In terms of the story, I am not sure if I want to make this one motel or separate motels in different states.  Orginally, the idea for the story was that Dean was trying to become a world famous singer, and he was hitching a ride from NJ to LA to make his dream happen.  Of course, this would involve a LOT of research - good thing I've already driven on Route 66 to know how to go through the Southwest.  There were a lot of colorful motels down there.  The one motel we stayed out, KFM and I nearly got robbed - I'm pretty sure.  I heard someone knocking loudly on the motel room door, trying to get in, and I remember shouting, "You've got the wrong room!"  I looked through the keyhole and there was this guy who was looking at me, and and slowly walked away.  I never had such a horrible feeling from a person.  Yeah, thankfully KFM was sound asleep.  I barracaded us in with our suitcases - dumb idea, but how else was I gonna do this?  Also, KFM's suitcase was this 1960's style hard core suitcase with no wheels (guess who carried it on the trip??  <---Loser) so it did the job well of barracading.

Anyway, I guess a little more "travel" in the name of research wouldn't hurt?  (LOL if only I had the dinero).  For now, I am actually happy with all of the experiences I had, and if I should ever forget what it was like to stay in a dirty, dingy motel, I can just stay in a local one (ewww, perish the thought).  There was that other motel in Delran - now THAT was disgusting.  Opened up the drawers to find a cup filled with syringes.  Then outside our motel room was a box cutter knife, just in case I had some crack to snort.  I used it to hem my pants.  I am so ghetto.

LOL reading over my journal, I forgot that looking for men online was still considered a "loser" method so I'd go club hopping all the time.  I mean....what the hell?  And I wondered why I ended up with my ex.  I was still obsessed with finding a "purely" latino husband and while it is a lofty goal, I kinda have more important goals in mind, and if he is latino on the side , perfect.  Back then I was also still angry.  Just, in general.  Angry at my mom for leaving me at 11.  Angry at my dad for being what I perceived to be a racist asshole.  Angry at my stepmom for being .....herself.  And attempting to be there for me when I hated her.  With a passion.  I was just so angry, and I was working 60+ hours a week so I had no time to deal with all of these emotions.  Also, I hadn't figured out myself yet; the artsy, Aspie, empathic, crazy person that is a beautiful mess inside.

My First entry on my ex: 12/29/00

Wow, I gues the old phrase is correct: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!

Well, I wished for a man who would treat me right, and give me all the non-physical things that I could never give myself (companionship, caring, trust). Well, on Dec 8th, I met the most wonderful man (to date) I have ever met. And I met him in a club!

At first, my friends were very unsure about oour relationship, being how we met (That's another story for another time). But all of my friends are starting to get used to the new non-single Regina.

I will be willing to admit that I was suspicious at first. But you know what? He has proven himself to be honest through his family and friends. And I know that he wants to improve himself. Through that, he has helped me learn how to meditate. Well, there is so much more that I could tell you, but I am at work, with nothing to do. I almost miss 100's of calenders... NAHH!!!

Thank goodness I tagged my journal with all Khary stuff.  But really, all of the 2001 journals were Khary drama.  I need to go through my journals and tag the hell out of all of them.  See if there were any stories I left out of 2001.  I had very little access to a computer after I left Kinko's and while I wrote down what I could, it was hard.  Especially those days in June / July where I was literally on the streets.

The other major theme in my life was depression.  I had a dream, I wanted to be a teacher, and I felt like such a loser because I never became a teacher.  I just wanted a normal teacher life, with a hard working husband, and a few kids.  A ranch house in suburbia.  It wasn't happening. And my co-teacher from the college didn't help.  She literally looked at me and was like, "I knew I was going to have trouble with you from the day we met."  WHO SAYS THAT?  Because I heard her wrong.  Bitch.  It's ok now.  The universe is unfolding as it should.  I have to believe that anyway, or go crazy.

I totally forgot that my ex wanted to move out to California.  This was, supposedly, right before we met.  Then he changed his mind and wanted to move to FL.  But had no plan or anything.  The way he saw life, and lived life, it was by the seat of his pants.  Which is, adventurous.  And I am sure I was more averse to change at that point, which is funny.  Having lived life at all levels, you learn a little bit each time..

Also kinda more mad that I didn't take more pictures back then.  But, at the same time, most men are too shy to take pictures.  Of course, they had no issues taking any of my naked body.  Also, my camera was not ...wonderful.  So glad I got a new camera two years ago.  Pictures do speak to me far more than words.

Still looking through my old journals.  I had a lot more active LJ friends back then.  So I guess I should find some more?  LOL.  Haven't found any rogue stories about Khary but did find a LOT of gems for the other book I joke about publishing - 50 first dates.  After all of those experiences I can totally see why I am sick of dating.

YES!! Finally found one of Khary - his old emails to me after I left him.  If I had any doubt he was a narcisisstic piece of garbage, all I had to do was read my old emails from him:

"I can't stop thinking of you, all the shit that we went through pretty much proves how much I love you. All that yelling I did at you, was all because I love you and I was trying to protect you from your friends taking advantage of you. It just wasn't right for them to do what they did, even though I took all the blows and deep down it still hurts from how much they thrashed me."

That coulda been taken out of a page of every abusive man's journal.

Getting back bits and pieces of our time together, here and there. Of our first night together. My friend Roy from Boston was coming down for the weekend. But he didn't tell us.when he was coming and it was a 6 hour drive. And we wanted to party. So we brought my friend's cell phone (that clunky thing), set it to vibrate and stuck it between my boobs. We waited for hours for a phone call. I remember getting a.glance at.him, talking to my roommate and my.roommate brushing him off. Then he was speaking to other girls randomly in the club before he walked over from the side and danced with me. He was a nice enough guy, very charming. VERY charming. we went outside to talk further. The guy he was with was freaking out on the phone, finally came over to us and stated he kicked him out of.the house. Not knowing the situation, I said to spend the night at my place. Oh....if I only knew. The next I knew, he was home with me....and again he was so nice and charming. and my friend was maaaad at us for being late. And for him becoming defacto third wheel. I think he wanted to sleep with me but gladly it never.happened. Roy got such a bad vibe from Angel / Khary. But I ignored it. And all of the bad vibes from everyone else. Mike, Kathy, even the gay man that was Khary's roommate / lover (I didn't know). We went to get his.stuff two days later and carried all his belongings out in plastic bags.  That same gay man told me that Khary was his lover, and I simply didn't believe it.  But it all makes sense now.  Khary used to call a place in Atlantic county all the time (saw it on the phone bill).  Also, I received two very suspicious emails from the gay man to Khary.  Describing....sex acts and also particular clothing (thongs and such) that he wanted Khary to wear.  Yeah, I don't know why I didn't pay attention to the signs.

The other thing that I found in my journals was that I had made a pact with my Goddess that night (I refer to her as "Mother Earth") that I wasn't going to have casual sex any more.  I actually wrote on a piece of paper "Casual sex" and burned it, signalling the end of my casual sex days.  In hindsight, I really wanted this relationship to work, at all cost.  I figured that other couples had their own drama and found ways to stay together.  Also, back then I was convinced that while white women would drop a man at the first sign of issues, that black women would stay and make it work.  Now, I don't see that as a color line at all.  I think it is one thing to make a marriage work, but there are certain issues, certain circumstances, that signals for a relationship's end.  Also, one person can't make a marriage work (marriage - any committed LTR) if the other person isn't fully committed.  There isn't a color line for this or a cultural one.  I do admit - certain circumstances (like, societal pressure, family pressure, or something like poverty, homelessness, or any major need) may keep a person in a relationship far longer than they like or expect.  Again, this is not a cultural thing.  This is a human thing.

Silly Poem

This is just a silly little poem that I wrote (on break at work) to get my mind thinking.  Feel free to critique but...not nearly as intense as the others.

Slump slump
dumpety dump
Funky Funk
Funky chunk
a funky dunk from
a flunky punk who
puked his junk
on the truck of a Ford.
Quack said the duck,
but I couldn't give a Flying f*ck.
Bin Laden
Bin "Rad"en
Been raiding my pantry
for some healthy wealthy Wize....chips.
Doing it on the stealth
Since those things are
Worth their weight in gold
Crispy lard goodness
And you can't have just one....

Naked

This is just a first draft of the poem.  Read.  Enjoy.  Comment.

When I say I need to be

Naked with you

I don’t just mean physically

 I’m talkin’ emotionally

Spiritually,

Crazy Passionately

Bearing my soul to thee

I want closeness so intuitive

That words are extraneous and

Actions will be spontaneous and

Strangers will be amazed at us

For being so in harmony.

I know, it is work

But I promise it is worth the fight

Or the momentary loss of a perceived freedom

For the long term gain of my love

And dedication

My devotion, such a

Powerful emotion

That no simple ruffneck
deserves to know

So please don’t blow this

Potential lifetime of bliss

Over a one night tryst

Or some ridiculousness

Or you’ll end up hungry for more

Than Dollar store Ramen

And a booty call with your latest

Billy Jean Drama Queen

All while another man

will be living your dream.