So....I finally came up with the name for my male character. Dean. Strong name. Taken from the 50's. And since the bulk of the story may end up taking place in the late 70's / early '80's....(I toyed with the idea of this strong being a fiction story about what my true parents may have been like), Dean seemed to fit. I was also thinking of making Dean's mother one of the bigger characters in the story. She can be played by Rosie Perez. Would make sense. She would be the parent whose life was "messed up" by Dean, because naturally, in the early '60's teenage mothers were hidden away from the world. She has spent half of her life chasing after loser men (one who badly abused Dean) and the other half, high on drugs. Dean's Puerto Rican grandparents took care of him until they died; then he went to live full time with his mom when he was a teenager. He didn't get much exposure to the African American side of his family.
. I had a new chapter forming in the story of.Dean and Rose. I was picturing Rose, crying on what looked like a cot. Could very well be a motel bed; the place was sure dirty. Dean was yelling at her; after a while, she learned to make him silent in her head since all of his yells sounded the same. Numbness. Hopeless. Rock bottom. How did she end up like this? Then Dean asks her, "Now I need to know...do u love me?". She doesn't respond. Dean asks a second time, only he grabs her tightly on the arms and shakes her, "I need to know NOW!! do u love me??". She starts to cry, and responds through wimpers of pain, "of course baby. I love you with all of my heart and soul.". Then Dean looks into her eyes, as.if he was peering into her soul, and says, "Then you need to trust me. I won't let anyone hurt you. But you.need to give a little more. Please baby...do this, do this for us.". Dean kisses her.on the forehead and leaves. Almost instantly, she gets a knock on the door. It's a middle aged bald white man. He looks nervous..rose welcomes him in. She asks him for his pleasure today before she throws up a little on her mouth. She is wearing a.black dress with a scarf. And the rest becomes a blur.....
Great line for Dean: "And of course babe will both drive world into madness. A mad king and queen."
Of course the Madman in my life had to say that line.
"Love you my wicked queen"
Well, what better to do with my time than write up some Dean and Rose stories? I am going over my old journal for any notable stories. Like, the walk we took from near Lawnside to Philly, riverside area. Yeah, we spent a LOT of time in Philly being homeless. Sleeping in Liberty Bell park (yup, near the Liberty Bell). Having sex near an overpass at 295. Spending time with his friend Randy, the redneck. He was paid $1 million for a lawsuit settlement (he got hit by a train when he was a kid) and not only spent it all but was almost $100,000 grand in debt. I mean, I can see it. One can get carried away by that kinda $$. He also had two men living with him. Yes, they were gay lovers but the notable thing was that he was also a drunk and the "head" of the household. I didn't question it. This was also the first time I had ever watched a gay porno - it was out of curiosity since I always knew a lot of men get off on lesbian flicks, but did it work in a reverse? (The short answer - NOOO!!!! Now granted, it was badly acted with two men who were obviously NOT attracted to each other.) If I remember correctly, Randy was a driver for a tow truck company and tried doing OTR truck work but it was too hard on him. His friends did work at the movies (hence the lifesize posters of Austin Powers in our bedroom) but then worked on a website where they got "paid" for referring people to modeling agencies. (My ex and I figured it was a scam, since they never ended up getting paid.) They had cats - which destroyed my air mattress really quickly. We got kicked out of that house a week and a half - actually I could have stayed but not my boyfriend.
Wow, I was so thick headed as this happened to me a LOT. The whole dichotomy where they liked me and hated him. The only people who really liked him were the other party goers (this was a theme in my life, as I had to get over the fact that I am NOT a boring person at parties, and therefore don't need scumbag boyfriends to liven up the party.) Well, I guess live and learn. Now back to Dean and Rose.
Truthfully, the vast majority of the story will take place in a seedy motel. In real life, I stayed 6 weeks at a motel in Williamstown. $150 a week. I of course paid for it. Like an idiot. I can't remember the name offhand, but "The Circle Motel" in Williamstown isn't pulling anything up. It was probably bought up anyway - for now, I will focus on the "Mayfair" and the "Star" motel in Williamstown. From the reviews I am seeing, these were straight roach motels - dirty, dingy, unkempt. Perfect!! At this place, we even had a pastor come and pick people up from the motel for work. Flooring, rebuilding, hard labor (mostly men went to work for him). He paid them a decent wage and all they had to do is listen to a 10 minute sermon at the end of their shift. He still refused to go - listening to the pastor was too much for him (he's homeless and still there is work that is "beneath him"). I remember the place well - it was disgusting. I swear they had their own breed of bugs living there. The room two doors down from us was so roach infested, even their radio cassette player (we're talking 2001, ok? No IPOD's were around especially for homeless people) had roaches coming out of it. All the people that were there had this weird uneasy camradere. I can go on for hours about this place. I even saw my first live birth when one of the people in the motel was set to give birth - we all drove to the hospital 45 minutes away. I ran every red light with no cars, because I COULD (hey, woman in labor in the car). Good thing they didn't have those stupid cameras back then.
In terms of the story, I am not sure if I want to make this one motel or separate motels in different states. Orginally, the idea for the story was that Dean was trying to become a world famous singer, and he was hitching a ride from NJ to LA to make his dream happen. Of course, this would involve a LOT of research - good thing I've already driven on Route 66 to know how to go through the Southwest. There were a lot of colorful motels down there. The one motel we stayed out, KFM and I nearly got robbed - I'm pretty sure. I heard someone knocking loudly on the motel room door, trying to get in, and I remember shouting, "You've got the wrong room!" I looked through the keyhole and there was this guy who was looking at me, and and slowly walked away. I never had such a horrible feeling from a person. Yeah, thankfully KFM was sound asleep. I barracaded us in with our suitcases - dumb idea, but how else was I gonna do this? Also, KFM's suitcase was this 1960's style hard core suitcase with no wheels (guess who carried it on the trip?? <---Loser) so it did the job well of barracading.
Anyway, I guess a little more "travel" in the name of research wouldn't hurt? (LOL if only I had the dinero). For now, I am actually happy with all of the experiences I had, and if I should ever forget what it was like to stay in a dirty, dingy motel, I can just stay in a local one (ewww, perish the thought). There was that other motel in Delran - now THAT was disgusting. Opened up the drawers to find a cup filled with syringes. Then outside our motel room was a box cutter knife, just in case I had some crack to snort. I used it to hem my pants. I am so ghetto.
LOL reading over my journal, I forgot that looking for men online was still considered a "loser" method so I'd go club hopping all the time. I mean....what the hell? And I wondered why I ended up with my ex. I was still obsessed with finding a "purely" latino husband and while it is a lofty goal, I kinda have more important goals in mind, and if he is latino on the side , perfect. Back then I was also still angry. Just, in general. Angry at my mom for leaving me at 11. Angry at my dad for being what I perceived to be a racist asshole. Angry at my stepmom for being .....herself. And attempting to be there for me when I hated her. With a passion. I was just so angry, and I was working 60+ hours a week so I had no time to deal with all of these emotions. Also, I hadn't figured out myself yet; the artsy, Aspie, empathic, crazy person that is a beautiful mess inside.
My First entry on my ex: 12/29/00
Wow, I gues the old phrase is correct: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!
Well, I wished for a man who would treat me right, and give me all the non-physical things that I could never give myself (companionship, caring, trust). Well, on Dec 8th, I met the most wonderful man (to date) I have ever met. And I met him in a club!
At first, my friends were very unsure about oour relationship, being how we met (That's another story for another time). But all of my friends are starting to get used to the new non-single Regina.
I will be willing to admit that I was suspicious at first. But you know what? He has proven himself to be honest through his family and friends. And I know that he wants to improve himself. Through that, he has helped me learn how to meditate. Well, there is so much more that I could tell you, but I am at work, with nothing to do. I almost miss 100's of calenders... NAHH!!!
Thank goodness I tagged my journal with all Khary stuff. But really, all of the 2001 journals were Khary drama. I need to go through my journals and tag the hell out of all of them. See if there were any stories I left out of 2001. I had very little access to a computer after I left Kinko's and while I wrote down what I could, it was hard. Especially those days in June / July where I was literally on the streets.
The other major theme in my life was depression. I had a dream, I wanted to be a teacher, and I felt like such a loser because I never became a teacher. I just wanted a normal teacher life, with a hard working husband, and a few kids. A ranch house in suburbia. It wasn't happening. And my co-teacher from the college didn't help. She literally looked at me and was like, "I knew I was going to have trouble with you from the day we met." WHO SAYS THAT? Because I heard her wrong. Bitch. It's ok now. The universe is unfolding as it should. I have to believe that anyway, or go crazy.
I totally forgot that my ex wanted to move out to California. This was, supposedly, right before we met. Then he changed his mind and wanted to move to FL. But had no plan or anything. The way he saw life, and lived life, it was by the seat of his pants. Which is, adventurous. And I am sure I was more averse to change at that point, which is funny. Having lived life at all levels, you learn a little bit each time..
Also kinda more mad that I didn't take more pictures back then. But, at the same time, most men are too shy to take pictures. Of course, they had no issues taking any of my naked body. Also, my camera was not ...wonderful. So glad I got a new camera two years ago. Pictures do speak to me far more than words.
Still looking through my old journals. I had a lot more active LJ friends back then. So I guess I should find some more? LOL. Haven't found any rogue stories about Khary but did find a LOT of gems for the other book I joke about publishing - 50 first dates. After all of those experiences I can totally see why I am sick of dating.
YES!! Finally found one of Khary - his old emails to me after I left him. If I had any doubt he was a narcisisstic piece of garbage, all I had to do was read my old emails from him:
"I can't stop thinking of you, all the shit that we went through pretty much proves how much I love you. All that yelling I did at you, was all because I love you and I was trying to protect you from your friends taking advantage of you. It just wasn't right for them to do what they did, even though I took all the blows and deep down it still hurts from how much they thrashed me."
That coulda been taken out of a page of every abusive man's journal.
Getting back bits and pieces of our time together, here and there. Of our first night together. My friend Roy from Boston was coming down for the weekend. But he didn't tell us.when he was coming and it was a 6 hour drive. And we wanted to party. So we brought my friend's cell phone (that clunky thing), set it to vibrate and stuck it between my boobs. We waited for hours for a phone call. I remember getting a.glance at.him, talking to my roommate and my.roommate brushing him off. Then he was speaking to other girls randomly in the club before he walked over from the side and danced with me. He was a nice enough guy, very charming. VERY charming. we went outside to talk further. The guy he was with was freaking out on the phone, finally came over to us and stated he kicked him out of.the house. Not knowing the situation, I said to spend the night at my place. Oh....if I only knew. The next I knew, he was home with me....and again he was so nice and charming. and my friend was maaaad at us for being late. And for him becoming defacto third wheel. I think he wanted to sleep with me but gladly it never.happened. Roy got such a bad vibe from Angel / Khary. But I ignored it. And all of the bad vibes from everyone else. Mike, Kathy, even the gay man that was Khary's roommate / lover (I didn't know). We went to get his.stuff two days later and carried all his belongings out in plastic bags. That same gay man told me that Khary was his lover, and I simply didn't believe it. But it all makes sense now. Khary used to call a place in Atlantic county all the time (saw it on the phone bill). Also, I received two very suspicious emails from the gay man to Khary. Describing....sex acts and also particular clothing (thongs and such) that he wanted Khary to wear. Yeah, I don't know why I didn't pay attention to the signs.
The other thing that I found in my journals was that I had made a pact with my Goddess that night (I refer to her as "Mother Earth") that I wasn't going to have casual sex any more. I actually wrote on a piece of paper "Casual sex" and burned it, signalling the end of my casual sex days. In hindsight, I really wanted this relationship to work, at all cost. I figured that other couples had their own drama and found ways to stay together. Also, back then I was convinced that while white women would drop a man at the first sign of issues, that black women would stay and make it work. Now, I don't see that as a color line at all. I think it is one thing to make a marriage work, but there are certain issues, certain circumstances, that signals for a relationship's end. Also, one person can't make a marriage work (marriage - any committed LTR) if the other person isn't fully committed. There isn't a color line for this or a cultural one. I do admit - certain circumstances (like, societal pressure, family pressure, or something like poverty, homelessness, or any major need) may keep a person in a relationship far longer than they like or expect. Again, this is not a cultural thing. This is a human thing.
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